Holiday Survival Guide to Mingling With Family Extended Members

Being with family extended members can be difficult during the holidays or at reunions or special occasions like weddings, especially for individuals on the spectrum. Often, you feel like you don’t know them very well because you only see them a few times a year, yet you’re still expected to make small talk.

Family extended occasions can be stressful, but also a lot of fun.If you are like many of us with autism, you feel anxiety and stress that family extended members may not understand you or not fully accept your differences, especially if you exhibit some common autism behaviors.  While sometimes challenging for autistics, there are strategies to make spending time with family extended members at special occasions less awkward, and perhaps even enjoyable!

Family extended times aren’t typically frequent, so a first important step is acknowledge you may need to make an effort to successfully navigate this social situation.  They are family, after all!

While sometimes family extended members may feel almost like strangers, it can be an opportunity to learn more about your family and even become closer to your cousins, aunts, uncles, and others. If possible, show initiative in getting to know others in your family and show you care by asking some simple questions, remember their names, and show interest in their lives.

It doesn’t need to be complicated. Just keep it simple and take interest in being friendly to the far reaches of your family tree.

The holiday season often means large family gatherings full of conversation, chaos, and commotion. For those with autism spectrum disorder or other social communication challenges, these types of events can create heightened anxiety and stress.

However, with some preparation and communication, you can get through seasonal celebrations with family extended members smoothly.

Here are tips to help make chatting with relatives easier.

Family Extended Times: Prepare Conversation Topics in Advance

Before the big get-together, take some time to think about who will be attending and what topics might come up. Make a list of safe subjects you can use to start conversations with aunts, uncles, cousins, or other relatives you may not know very well or haven’t seen in awhile.

Having a few standard icebreakers ready means you won’t feel as anxious or caught off guard trying to have “small talk” with less familiar people.

Some go-to conversation starters include:

  • Asking about pets. Most people enjoy talking about their furry friends! “How is your dog Rufus doing?” or “I’d love to see pictures of your new kitten!” are easy openers.
  • Discussing vacations. Say something like “Do you have any fun trips coming up?” or “How was your trip to Florida last month?” This invites them to share travel experiences.
  • Talking entertainment. Asking about good movies/shows they’ve seen lately, books they’ve read, or celebrities they enjoy can kick off an easy pop culture discussion.
  • Reminiscing about family memories. Especially with older relatives, asking “What holidays were like when you were young?” or “What family traditions do you remember?” can be a nice way to learn more about your family history.

Of course, you know your family extended members better than anyone (or ask your parents or siblings for more details).

Think through their hobbies, interests, or recent life events that could relate back to potential conversation topics. Having a few ready subjects that you feel comfortable talking about will prevent you from freezing up.

(Read more about social awkwardness and proven stress busters.)

Family Extended Occasions Success:  Review Key Events and Milestones

Family extended times together can be stressful for some people.Along with preparing possible discussion topics, take some time before the holidays to review important events, achievements, or milestones with immediate and extended family members. That way if it comes up, you can comfortably chat about subjects like:

  • New jobs or promotions
  • Graduations and academic accomplishments
  • Engagements or weddings
  • New babies
  • Birthday milestones
  • Retirements
  • New homes/moves
  • Major trips or vacations
  • Key anniversaries
  • A family member passing away

Jot down names, dates, and key facts. This way you sound knowledgeable and interested when asking questions like “How is Johnny enjoying 2nd grade?” or “Did you and grandma have a nice anniversary trip to Hawaii?”

Brushing up on important life updates shows you care about what is happening in their lives.

Family Extended Occasions: Have Support Items on Hand

Consider bringing along comfort objects, photos, or other familiar items that make you feel relaxed and happy. This could include fidget toys like stress balls or fidget spinners, textured jewelry, sunglasses, headphones, cozy clothing like a favorite sweater, or pictures of pets or interests. 

Having tactile, visual, or auditory stimuli you find soothing can help when conversations, crowds, or other elements of family gatherings feel overstimulating. Focus on your item to calm nerves.

Also, don’t forget any regular items you normally need like medication, snacks, assistive technology, written schedules or instructions, weighted blankets, etc.

Gather these support supplies ahead of time so you don’t feel off-balance or try to mask your autism.

Use Mobile Apps to Assist with Social Interaction

Today there are many apps and assistive technology tools designed to help people with ASD thrive in social situations.

Download programs like:

  • Social Adventures – Provides real-time social cues during conversations and tips for building rapport.
  • Social Detective – Allows you to practice responding to facial expressions and body language through games.
  • SOMOS – Catalogs conversation scripts and strategies for communication challenges like making eye contact.
  • TapSOS – Discreetly offers conversational prompts through smart watch taps when you feel unsure how to respond.

These apps are just a few of an extensive list of ones that can serve as useful aids when chatting with family members. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself briefly to use a tool reminding you of appropriate responses or conversation etiquette.

Family Extended Times Success:  Have Quiet Spaces Ready for Breaks

Make sure to build in breaks where you can retreat to a quiet, less stimulating space at regular intervals.

This could be going into a spare bedroom, stepping outside, walking around the block, or sitting in a room away from the main gathering. Give yourself permission to take 10-15 minute breaks when needed without feeling guilty.

Let family members know in advance that these breaks help you regroup so you can return ready to be social again.

You can say something like: “I may take short breaks to recharge in a quiet space – it’s not because I don’t want to spend time with everyone, it just helps me balance my energy.” Most relatives will understand as long as they know it’s for your well-being.

Use Noise-Canceling Headphones and Sunglasses

Bring along noise-canceling headphones and sunglasses to wear during overwhelming moments. The headphones will drowned out loud noises that can feel bombarding.

Sunglasses can also create a sense of space when avoiding eye contact gets tiring. Keep these handy accessories on you or in your quiet break space for when you need an instant buffer from sensory overload.

Have A Coded Signal System for Family Extended Occasions

Develop discrete hand signals or code words you can use to quickly communicate needs to a close family member who knows they should intervene. For example:

  • Tugging your ear or twirling your hair – Means you need someone to come make an “excuse” so you can end a conversation
  • Saying a code word like “avocado” – Signals you need a break right away
  • Making the ASL sign for “help” – Indicates you need backup because you’re feeling overwhelmed

Agree in advance on what coded messages mean so a trusted relative can swoop in when required without you having to directly articulate feeling anxious or overstimulated. The more strategies you have to get quick assistance the better.

(Learn more about autism family support.)

When Family Extended Members Ask How They Can Help – Tell Them!

When well-meaning extended family say, “Please let me know if you need anything” or “What can I do to make you comfortable?” – take them up on the offer! Politely educate them on small ways they can help like:

  • Keeping the TV volume down and limiting loud noises
  • Not overwhelming you with too many questions at once
  • Giving you space rather than prolonged hugs or touching
  • Understanding if you need to relax in a quiet room for a bit
  • Standing a little farther away when chatting with you

Most relatives will be happy to accommodate simple requests if it allows you to enjoy yourself.

Leverage Your Special Interests during Family Extended Occasions

Family extended times together can be overwhelming if you don't have a coping strategy in place.Don’t forget that your unique interests and knowledge on favorite topics can be an asset at family gatherings! Look for opportunities to naturally work mentions of your special interests into chats with relatives. For example:

  • If you love video games, ask young cousins about their gaming habits or share fun gaming facts.
  • If you’re a math whiz, dazzle everyone by quickly solving math riddles or discussing numeric patterns you find fascinating.
  • If you know a lot about animals, ask about pets people have and share amazing trivia about wildlife.
  • If you are knowledgeable about sports, comment on teams and players relatives may enjoy.

Showing your intellect and passion on subjects meaningful to you can be a great way for family extended members to get to know you better. It also takes the pressure off making small talk since you’ll naturally drive the conversation.

In a lighthearted way, you can even joke “Sorry if I start info dumping about [special interest]…feel free to stop me if I get too carried away!”

Most relatives will be impressed by your expertise and happy to indulge a topic you’re enthusiastic about.

Assign Family Extended Members Conversation Roles

If you have a large extended family, consider “assigning” individual relatives specific conversation roles to make interactions more predictable. For example:

  • Aunt Jean always asks about school/work
  • Cousin Jake loves discussing politics and current events
  • Grandma just wants to hear funny childhood stories

Give family members conversation “homework” ahead of time so you know what kind of topics to expect from each person. This makes discussions feel more controllable and tailored to both parties’ interests.

Family Extended Tip:  Interact with Just One Person at a Time

Rather than feeling obligated to converse with entire groups, scope out one family extended member who seems most approachable.

Ask if you can speak privately in another room for a few minutes to catch up. This one-on-one interaction feels less stressful than trying to talk amongst a circle of chatting relatives.

You can even say something like “I’d love to get to know you better since we never get to talk. Can we find somewhere quiet to visit?” Most family will appreciate the gesture and welcome the chance to bond away from the crowds.

Have An Early Exit Strategy for Overwhelming Family Extended Occasions

No matter how much you prepare, sometimes family events can simply become too much. Have a plan for how you can gracefully make an early exit if needed.

This may involve predetermined coded signals to key family members that you need to leave right away. You can also designate someone to be your “exit buddy” who can provide an excuse and leave with you.

Or, establish ahead of time that you may text a family member saying “time to go” so they know to discreetly gather your things while you discreetly sneak away. Don’t force yourself to tough out intolerable anxiety until the bitter end.

Know your limits and feel empowered to do what’s best for your mental health.

Focus on Positive Aspects of Family Extended Time

When tensions run high during family visits, try to focus on the positive reasons for gathering—making happy memories, upholding traditions, enjoying food, or laughing with those you care about.

Remind yourself that even if some conversations are uncomfortable, you ultimately want to share the spirit of the season with relatives who are important to you. This mindset shift can alleviate social stress.

The holiday season certainly presents some communication challenges for those with ASD. However, with thoughtful preparation and clear communication of your needs, you can find ways to comfortably interact with extended family.

Don’t be afraid to ask for the space, quiet, or understanding required to enjoy their company during special celebrations.

Autism in Adults:  Overcoming Challenges for a Fulfilled Life

Autism in adults requires additional support and coping skills to achieve independence in today’s world. Learn more about ways adults can live fulfilled lives and the challenges they face.

Picture of Connor McClure

Connor McClure

I'm a young adult navigating life with autism. By sharing my experiences and views, I hope to create a better awareness, understanding, and compassion for those on the spectrum. Let's connect!
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