Transform Your Relationships By Learning How To Set Boundaries
Numerous articles have covered topics about how people with autism can interact with neurotypical people in a healthy and positive way. But, there seems to be a gap about how neurotypical people can do the same thing with people with autism.
Because it is so common for people with autism to struggle socially and understand social cues, it can hard to understand people boundaries and when they’re making some uncomfortable. So for neurotypical individuals to have a healthy relationship with an autistic person, a key factor in having a successful relationship is setting up boundaries and then making them crystal clear.
But that doesn’t mean you should be condescending with it either. When setting up boundaries, keep them straightforward, simple, and concise. Then, schedule a time with your friend to talk about them. If handled appropriately, they should understand and respect your rules.
I know this because I’m an autistic, and I appreciate conversations where boundaries are outlined. That lets me know precisely what I should and shouldn’t do going forward, and having that clarity increases my comfort level in a relationship greatly.
Keep in mind that if you have a friend with autism and they are making you uncomfortable, there is a good chance they are not doing intentionally. They just don’t know they’re making you uncomfortable.
This is why communication is so important—not just with people with autism—but with all relationships with all kinds of people. Communication is really the bedrock of all relationships because without good and healthy communication, everything falls apart.
In our beautifully diverse world, friendships come in all shapes and sizes. One particularly enriching type of relationship is that between neurotypical individuals and those on the autism spectrum. These connections can be incredibly rewarding, offering unique perspectives and opportunities for growth on both sides.
However, like any relationship, they require effort, understanding, and mutual respect to thrive. The key to any successful relationship is to approach it with an open mind, a willingness to learn, and genuine care for the other person.
READ MORE: 5 Ingenious Ways for Creating Boundaries in a Relationship
Understanding Autism: A Brief Overview
Before diving into specific strategies, it’s crucial to have a basic understanding of autism. Autism, or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), is a neurodevelopmental condition that affects how a person perceives the world, interacts with others, and processes information.
Key aspects of autism can include:
- Differences in social communication and interaction
- Repetitive behaviors or restricted interests
- Sensory sensitivities
- Unique ways of processing information and solving problems
It’s essential to remember that autism is a spectrum, and these traits can manifest differently in each individual. Some autistic people may need significant support in daily life, while others may need little to no support. Many autistic individuals have exceptional abilities in certain areas, such as pattern recognition, memory, or creative thinking.
Recognize Individual Differences
When building a friendship with someone on the autism spectrum, it’s crucial to see them as an individual first, rather than viewing them solely through the lens of their autism.
Avoid stereotypes. While there are common traits associated with autism, not every autistic person will exhibit all of these traits, so be careful to avoid stereotypes. Some may be highly verbal, while others may prefer alternative forms of communication. Some may enjoy social situations, while others find them challenging.
Setting up boundaries is key. Take the time to understand your friend’s specific strengths, challenges, and preferences. Ask open-ended questions about their experiences, but be mindful not to pry or make them feel like they need to be a spokesperson for all autistic individuals. This information will help you as you decide how to set up boundaries.
The concept of neurodiversity suggests that neurological differences, like autism, are natural variations in the human brain rather than disorders to be cured. Embracing this perspective can help you appreciate your friend’s unique way of experiencing the world.
Communicate Clearly and Directly
Clear, explicit communication is often appreciated by individuals on the autism spectrum. Many autistic people interpret language literally and may struggle with implied meanings or subtle social cues.
Be specific and concrete. Instead of saying, “Let’s hang out sometime,” try “Would you like to meet for coffee at Starbucks on Main Street this Saturday at 2 p.m.?”
Avoid idioms and sarcasm. Phrases like “It’s raining cats and dogs” or sarcastic comments can be confusing. If you do use them, be prepared to explain their meaning.
Express your feelings directly. Rather than expecting your friend to pick up on your mood, say something like, “I’m feeling sad today because…”
Be patient with responses. Some autistic individuals may need more time to process information and formulate responses. Allow for pauses in conversation without rushing to fill the silence.
Use visual aids when helpful. For complex ideas or plans, consider using written lists, diagrams, or calendars to supplement verbal communication.
RELATED: Breaking Down the Top 10 Autism Stereotypes
Respect Sensory Needs When Determining How to Set Up Boundaries
Many individuals with autism experience sensory processing differences. This means they may be over- or under-sensitive to various sensory inputs like sounds, lights, textures, or smells.
Ask about sensory preferences. Your friend may be comfortable sharing information about their sensory needs. For example, they might prefer dim lighting or struggle with certain fabric textures.
Be mindful of environment. When planning activities or meetups, consider choosing locations with controllable sensory input. A quiet café might be preferable to a busy, noisy restaurant.
Respect stims. Stimming (self-stimulatory behavior like hand-flapping or rocking) is often a way for autistic individuals to self-regulate. Don’t try to stop or discourage these behaviors unless they’re harmful.
Offer alternatives. If a planned activity turns out to be sensory overwhelming, be flexible and ready with alternative options.
READ MORE: Autistic Stimming Behaviors – Why We Do and How It’s Important
Understand Social Energy and Alone Time
Social interactions can be particularly draining for some individuals on the autism spectrum. This doesn’t mean they don’t enjoy your company, but they may need more time to recharge between social engagements.
Respect the need for alone time. Don’t take it personally if your friend needs to decline invitations or cut visits short. This is often about managing energy levels, not a reflection on your friendship. This is an area where discussions should be held on setting up boundaries.
Plan activities with breaks. For longer get-togethers, build in quiet time or solo activities. This could be as simple as taking a walk in nature or having a period of companionable silence.
Be clear about social expectations. If you’re inviting your friend to an event, be upfront about what it will involve. How many people will be there? How long is it expected to last? Is there a quiet space they can retreat to if needed?
Offer ‘escape routes’. When planning activities, make it clear that it’s okay to leave early if they’re feeling overwhelmed. You might even establish a signal or code word they can use to communicate this need.
READ MORE: Freeze Response – How to Overcome the Dreaded Autism Anxiety Shutdown
Navigate Social Cues and Norms
Social norms and unwritten rules can be challenging for some autistic individuals to navigate. As a neurotypical friend, you can offer support in this area without being condescending.
Offer explanations when asked. If your friend seems confused by a social situation, be ready to explain it clearly and non-judgmentally. That’s a mark of a true friend, and anyone with autism will appreciate the assistance, as long as it is done with kindness.
Don’t assume knowledge of social rules. What seems like common knowledge to you may not be obvious to everyone. Be patient and willing to clarify social expectations.
Advocate in group situations. In group settings, you might need to step in if others are misinterpreting your friend’s behavior. For example, explaining that your friend’s direct communication style isn’t meant to be rude can go a long way in fostering friendships.
Be a ‘social translator’. You can help interpret subtle social cues or implied meanings in group conversations, but do this discreetly to avoid embarrassing your friend.
READ MORE: Autism Social Skills and Inferencing, Body Language Hurdles to Overcome
Embrace Different Interests and Conversation Styles
Many autistic individuals have intense interests in specific topics. These interests can be a source of joy and a way of connecting with the world.
Show genuine interest. Even if the topic isn’t one you’re familiar with, show curiosity. Ask questions and learn from your friend’s expertise.
Be patient with ‘info-dumping’. Your friend might share a lot of information about their interest at once. Try to see this as a sign of trust and excitement rather than dominating the conversation.
Find common ground. Look for ways to connect their interests to things you enjoy. This can lead to rich, engaging conversations.
Be direct about conversation flow. If you need to change the subject, it’s okay to say so directly. “That’s really interesting. Can we talk about [new topic] for a bit now?”
RELATED: Symptoms of Autism in Adults – Is Autism Radar A Thing?
Establish Mutual Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important in any friendship, and this is no different in neurodiverse friendships. The key is to approach boundary-setting as a collaborative, ongoing process.
Be clear about your own needs. Express your boundaries clearly and directly. For example, “I need some advance notice before we make plans” or “I prefer not to have phone calls after 9 PM.”
Ask about their boundaries. Encourage your friend to express their needs and preferences as well. Some autistic individuals might have specific boundaries around physical touch, conversation topics, or social activities.
Regularly check in. Boundaries may need to be adjusted over time. Make it a habit to check in about what’s working and what might need to change in your friendship.
Respect differences in social needs. You and your friend may have different ideas about how often to meet or communicate. Find a balance that works for both of you.
Educate Yourself Continuously
Learning about autism from autistic voices can greatly enhance your understanding and ability to support your friend.
Read autistic authors. Many autistic individuals have written books, blogs, or articles about their experiences. These can provide valuable insights.
Follow autistic advocates. Social media platforms often have autistic advocates sharing their perspectives and experiences.
Attend autism-positive events. Look for local events or online webinars that center autistic voices and experiences.
Be open to learning from your friend. If they’re comfortable, your friend can be an excellent source of information about their personal experience with autism.
Practice Empathy and Acceptance
At the core of any strong friendship is empathy and acceptance. This is especially important in neurodiverse friendships, where experiences and perspectives may differ significantly.
Challenge your assumptions. Be willing to examine and question your own beliefs about “normal” behavior or communication.
Celebrate differences. Instead of focusing on challenges, appreciate the unique perspectives and strengths that come with neurodiversity.
Offer support without pity. Recognize that while your friend may face challenges, autism is an integral part of who they are, not something to be pitied or “fixed.”
Stand up against discrimination. Be prepared to advocate for your friend and speak out against ableism or misconceptions about autism.
RELATED: Fitting In – How Double Empathy Problem Relates to Being Liked
Handling Misunderstandings and Conflicts
Even in the strongest friendships, misunderstandings can occur. In neurodiverse friendships, different communication styles can sometimes lead to confusion or hurt feelings.
Address issues directly. Don’t let misunderstandings fester. Bring up concerns clearly and kindly.
Focus on specific behaviors. Instead of making generalizations, discuss specific instances or actions that caused confusion or distress.
Use “I” statements. Express how you feel without blaming. For example, “I felt hurt when…” rather than “You always…”
Be open to different perspectives. Your friend’s interpretation of a situation might be very different from yours. Listen with an open mind.
Collaborate on solutions. Work together to find ways to prevent similar misunderstandings in the future.
READ MORE: Breaking Down Barriers That Challenge Autism and Friendships
Celebrating Neurodiverse Friendships
Friendships between neurotypical individuals and those on the autism spectrum offer unique opportunities for growth, learning, and mutual support.
By approaching these relationships with openness, patience, and a willingness to adapt, both parties can benefit immensely.
Remember, the strategies outlined in this post are starting points. Every friendship is unique, and the most important thing is to approach your relationship with genuine care, respect, and a desire to understand and support each other.
Embrace the beauty of neurodiversity in your friendships. You may find that your autistic friend’s unique perspective enriches your life in ways you never expected, challenging you to see the world differently and grow as a person.
In the end, the core of any great friendship remains the same: mutual respect, open communication, and a genuine appreciation for each other as individuals. By cultivating these qualities in your neurodiverse friendships, you open the door to truly rewarding and enlightening relationships.
RELATED: Sharing Life and Autism Social Story Lets Others See Authentic Self
Autism in Adults: Living, Learning, and Overcoming Challenges for a Fulfilled Life
Autism in adults requires additional support and coping skills to achieve independence in today’s world.
Learn more about ways adults can live fulfilled lives and the challenges they face.
- 14 Practical Ways for Staying Motivated to Unlock Full Potential
- Autism and Independence: 7 Skills That Empower Individuals to Thrive
- Do You Know Your Flavor of Autism Spectrum Disorders?
- Maladaptive Daydreaming and How It Can Interfere With Life
- Choosing Happy: How Self-Love Can Outshine Love and Joy Coupling
- Autism on the Brain: Unpacking the Meaning Behind Neurodiversity
- Autism Volunteer Opportunities: 5 Ways Helping Others Fosters Acceptance
- 8 Heartfelt Ways Autism Emotional Support Animals Transform Lives
- Are You An Adult With Autism? Here Are 6 Signs
- Autism After High School: Is College the Next Step?
- Autism vs Asperger’s Syndrome: What You Need to Know
- Autism Disclosure: Is Revealing Your Disorder Helpful or Hurtful?
- Work and Autism: What Employers Should Know About Hiring People with Neurodiversity
- Drivers with Autism Can Achieve Success Behind the Wheel
- Growing Up Autistic: How I Overcame Challenges and Now Thrive
