Behaving Badly: Is Using Autism As An Excuse Right?

The concept of neurodiversity has done a lot to raise awareness and understanding of conditions like autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and more. It emphasizes that these are just natural variations in how people’s brains work, not disorders or disabilities. Proponents of neurodiversity argue that these neurological differences should be accepted and respected on their own terms, not viewed as defects to be cured or eliminated. 

However, sometimes autism as an excuse is used to minimize or justify behaving badly. For example, someone might say “I can’t help being rude or insensitive; I’m just neurodivergent.” Or a parent might dismiss their child’s tantrums or rule-breaking because “they can’t help it due to their ADHD.”

As an autistic myself, I understand that this is a difficult and complex subject, because everyone has different abilities on the spectrum. I understand that not every person who is autistic has the mental ability and/or maturity for self-control or to fully realize the differences between right or wrong or that their actions may hurt others, emotionally or otherwise.

When reading this, please note that I am only talking about individuals who do. If you are a caregiver of an individual with high support needs, I’m among the first to realize how great the challenges are. I’m aware that you can’t always predict or control actions of individuals in many of those cases, and hugs and love are due to those caregivers and parents who have struggles every single day and still find joy and positivity.

However, many of us who are on the spectrum, especially as adults, have low support needs. And while we often still have countless challenges, we typically have the ability to recognize when we are making excuses or justifying effort for behaving badly.

While neurodiversity provides context and explanation for some behavioral challenges, it does not absolve personal responsibility for poor behaviors. Having neural differences does not give someone a free pass to act however they want without consequence, with the caveat that they are sentient in understanding the differences.

There are always better choices that can be made to treat others with dignity and respect for individuals.

RELATED: Shedding Light on Autism and Why It’s an Invisible Disability

Responsibility and Neurodiverse Capabilities vs Behaving Badly

Proponents of neurodiversity rightly argue that autistic people and those with other neurological conditions are often fully capable of learning, growing, and leading fulfilling lives. With the proper environment and support systems, many (but not all) neurodivergent individuals can achieve independence, pursue meaningful work, enjoy healthy relationships, and make outstanding intellectual, artistic, and practical contributions to the world.

Part of creating an environment where neurodivergent people can thrive is having reasonable expectations of civil, ethical conduct. While more patience, more guidance, and more access to coping strategies and sensory tools may be needed, neurodiverse individuals can and do learn to manage behaviors, emotions, and interactions successfully. 

Most individuals with neurodiversity are absolutely capable of meeting basic social expectations around kindness, integrity, cooperation, and self-control and can avoid behaving badly. Expecting appropriate conduct is not only reasonable, but also vital, for empowering growth. By setting and re-enforcing constructive conduct standards, families and institutions enable neurodivergence to manifest in healthy, prosocial ways instead of antisocial ones.

RELATED: Autism on the Brain – Unpacking the Meaning Behind Neurodiversity

Autism as An Excuse: Explanations Don’t Always Justify Poor Behavior

Additionally, everyone has some explanation or excuse for their poor behaviors, whether it’s genetics, childhood experiences, personality tendencies, etc. But explanations should not grant free passes for harmful conduct. For a well-functioning society, everyone must take responsibility for making honorable choices given their unique constraints. 

Neurodiverse conditions may clarify why certain inappropriate or bad behaviors occur automatically. But through conscious effort and support, ingrained reactions can be overridden to choose better responses. Explanations provide context but may not justify rudeness, aggression, dishonesty or other ways of behaving badly that demean others. 

Making excuses that allow poor behaviors in the name of neurodiversity does an incredible disservice to neurodivergent people’s dignity, capabilities, and place in society. Competency requires conducting oneself civilly; dignity requires not using one’s condition as a shield from accountability. Making excuses based on a diagnosis when the individual is able to control patterns both enables misconduct and compounds marginalization from “normal” society. 

RELATED: Autism Spectrum Facts: 13 Great Reasons for Why It’s Called ASD

Parallel Arguments for Making Excuses and Justifying Effort

Also, the reasoning that neurodiversity excuses poor behavior could be applied unequally to other marginalized groups. Picture if someone said, “You can’t blame me for stealing that car, I grew up poor!” Or imagine if a man argued “I couldn’t help groping her, boys will just be boys!”

Clearly, these excuses ring hollow because they blame systematic injustice for individual misconduct. Material deprivation may drive some to crime, sexuality may explain inappropriate impulses, etc., but at the end of the day, one has a duty not to harm others no matter their circumstances if at all possible. Those facing hardship deserve help rather than judgment, AND they bear responsibility for their actions as they are mentally able. (Again, I’m not trying to create controversy, and this is aimed toward individuals like me who are neurodivergent but also able to distinguish what is appropriate and what is behaving badly without cause.)

By parallel logic, while the neurodiverse deserve support and acceptance, they too must take ownership of their conduct if they are mentally, emotionally, and physically able. Difficulty regulating certain behaviors may be a condition, but it does not excuse harming others.

RELATED: Autism Stigmas – How to Champion Disability Rights in Politics

Potential Solutions for Poor Behaviors for High Functioning Autistics

Of course, the goal should never be inappropriately disciplining neurodivergent individuals for non-conforming behaviors arising involuntarily from their natural neural functioning. Schools, workplaces and public spaces can implement alternative strategies, while recognizing it is a spectrum and everyone on it  has different needs, abilities, and challenges. Those strategies could include:

• Proactively design environments and policies to minimize sensory overload and enable self-regulation.
• Teach coping methods early on so context-appropriate behaviors become ingrained.
• Provide safe spaces for decompression when individuals feel dysregulated emotions rising.
• Respond with gentle guidance redirecting inappropriate conduct, not criticism and discipline.
• Check for underlying causes like pain or distress driving negative behaviors.
• Supply specialized assistive tools matched to individuals’ needs.

With compassion, education and innovation, society can enable many neurodiverse to thrive while upholding standards of accountability.

RELATED: Spotlight on the Spectrum – Understanding the 3 Levels of Autism

The Social Model of Disability and Behaving Badly

Neurodiversity proponents may argue that society’s norms, not the individual, should change. This follows the social model of disability, which holds that people are disabled not by their bodies but by external barriers. For example, wheelchair users are disabled less by inability to walk than by stairs blocking access.

Yet even the social model does not absolve the need for self-control. Those facing access barriers still must navigate the world as it exists to the degree they are able while advocating change. The wheelchair user may rightly request ramps be installed but still must avoid aggressive outbursts that alienate others.

Likewise, neurodivergent individuals can request accommodations while exhibiting basic behaviors. Stimming in public helps self-regulate but violating others’ boundaries often crosses the line when using autism as an excuse. Social change starts with modeling the attitudes and behaviors one wants normalized.

RELATED: Am I Neurodivergent? Understanding Neurodiversity And Its Value is Key

Cultural Relativism and Behaving Badly

Moreover, social norms have some basis beyond tradition. Manners arose to reduce misunderstanding and avoid inadvertent offense between people operating on very different wavelengths. They may demand more effort from the neurodiverse but applying them to the degree possible can help enable peaceful coexistence. 

Surely murder, theft and assault are absolutes…yet otherwise loving acts like hugging or shouting joyfully could overwhelm some autistics. So does sudden touch or loud noise, which can be a norm in certain situations (like a celebratory concert), but cause duress for some on the spectrum.  As much as friends and family can work around adaptations and justifying effort a loved one may have, society in general may find it harder to adapt when at a public event being attended by large crowds. That sometimes raises the debate of who must shoulder the greater burden of adaptation using autism as an excuse toward conduct that enables social relations?

Perhaps the answer is both: the neurotypical accepting some behavior as much as possible that are considered norms so long as no harm is intended, and the neurodiverse learning to perceive (if not share) others’ sensitivities and shape reactions accordingly.

RELATED: Is Autism A Disability? Surprising Reasons for the Debate

Growth Mindsets

Also key is recognizing areas of growth instead of deficits. All people have relative strengths and weaknesses; neurodivergence simply skews the balance more extremely. Ironically, autism’s passionate focus that overflows into rudeness could enable a brilliant career. ADHD’s impatience and distraction might translate into quick-thinking leadership.  

Rather than hammer rigid norms, society could identify what behaviors serve vs. hurt each person and those around them. Compassionate correction of poor behaviors needn’t attack one’s essence.

Indeed through conscious practice, ingrained habits change over time more than once thought possible. People constantly expand their capabilities far beyond initial limitation and poor behaviors. All the more reason then not to excuse harmful behaviors as permanent but guide their transformation toward mutual understanding.

While neurodiversity provides insight into variations in brain functioning, it does not constitute a free pass on meeting reasonable standards of behavior for many on the spectrum who have lower support needs. Expecting basic decency and self-regulation enables neurodivergent individuals’ success within—and contribution toward—an equitable society. With understanding and support, those facing greater behavioral challenges can learn to act on their best intentions.

RELATED: Hope for the Future – Will It Transform the Autism World?

My Take on Using Autism as an Excuse

Whether neurotypical or neurodiverse, everyone has their own issues and quirks. It’s normal, but this can make some people want to use their issues as an excuse for behaving badly. They try to abuse people and say their problems made them lash out, and then try to make you feel bad for them so you’ll give them a pass for their bad behavior.

Using this deflection game is something most of us have seen at some point in our lives, and it has nothing to do with autism.

Don’t fall for this tactic if it happens. Again, there is a difference with those who don’t have the awareness to understand or practice self-control, and that is not who I am talking about. I’m talking about those who have the power for self-improvement. After all, almost everyone can become a better person, and saying they can’t because of whatever problem they have is just laziness.

Being manipulated by someone who claims to have good reasons for lying or saying terrible things about you or making fun of you is never a good situation, and if you are the one with neurodiversity who is being treated unfairly, you need to learn when to cut someone out of your life if they keep making excuses and treating you badly.

On the other hand, if you recognize that you are using your challenges as an excuse to treat others badly, it’s time to shape up or potentially lose the ones you love. Be better than this because in the future, when you’re old and looking back at your life, how you treat people is what you’ll end up regretting, and most older people will tell you the same.

Live a good life, treat people well, and do good for the world. This will make you content and satisfied with your life when you’re looking back on your youth.

RELATED: Growing Up Autistic – How I Overcame Challenges and Now Thrive

Additional Challenges Individuals with Autism Face

Learn more about other issues that autistics face:

• Autism After High School: Is College the Next Step?
• Autism and Organization: The Secret to Finding Calm in the Chaos
• New Research Reveals Autism Mental Health Linked to These Disorders
• Is Autism a Disability? Surprising Reasons for the Debate
• Social Justice Issues: Why Disability Rights Matter for Autistics
• Autism and Holidays:  Why Special Occasions Can Be Challenging
• 6 Fascinating Facts About Autism You Probably Didn’t Know
• 8 Popular Ways to Manage and Master Autistic Social Awkwardness
• Autism and Poor Hygiene:  The Smelly Truth to Overcome
• Breaking Down Barriers that Challenge Autism and Friendships
• Anxiety and Autism: 5 Powerful Strategies to Conquer Emotions
• 6 Ways to Tackle Autism Fireworks Anxiety and Sensory Overload
• Autism Clothing for Sensitive Skin Can Enhance Quality of Life