Think Before You Speak: 15 Autism Insensitivity Comments to Avoid

Think before you speak is sometimes easier said than done, but important to avoid insensitivity.Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness; it’s part of the Golden Rule.  However, depending on who you’re talking to, it can sometimes be hard to know how to do that without mentioning sensitive topics or making assumptions. This is often the case when making statements or asking questions to keep the conversation going with someone with autism.

In the mode of “think before you speak,” what things imply an insensitive meaning or are offensive to talk about? How do you know what is okay to talk about and what not to say to someone with autism? Avoiding inappropriate comments, even ones that are inadvertently judgmental, can require advance thought and awareness.

The think before you speak rule applies to many different kinds of individuals when addressing potentially sensitive topics like race, politics, history, gender, money, and of course, neurodiversity.

It can be hard to talk to someone new without crossing a line, like making an offensive joke or perpetuating a harmful stereotype, but it’s especially important when talking to people with autism.

That is because interacting with individuals with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) can be challenging if you don’t understand their unique perspectives and experiences. Avoiding certain phrases and changing your approach can go a long way in building rapport and trust.

People with ASD often process sensory information, emotions, communication and social cues differently due to how their brains are wired. Understanding these differences is key to avoiding insensitivity.

While each individual has unique abilities, nearly everyone with ASD has difficulties in verbal and nonverbal communication at some level. Many also thrive through consistency and predictability. Their developmental disability not only shapes how others relate to those with ASD – it deeply impacts identity and self-concept. Thoughtless words or actions, however well-intended, can undermine their dignity and sense of self-worth.

With some awareness and adjustments, we can create more inclusive spaces where neurodiverse individuals feel respected, valued and safe to engage according to their needs and preferences. Here are some common phrases that harm when said to people with ASD. Avoid questions that infer an issue with the individual and don’t say word choices that are negative in nature or are judgmental and cast an insensitive meaning to the conversation.

Top 15 Things of What Not To Say To Someone With Autism

  1. “You don’t look like you have autism.”

    Many people with ASD do not have visible disabilities or characteristics that match the stereotypical image of autism. Making assumptions about whether someone truly has ASD based on how they present themselves delegitimizes and dismisses their lived experiences. It’s better to accept people at their word when they share they have an autism diagnosis rather than judge them against an “autism appearance checklist.” By not questioning or casting doubt on them, you help avoid insensitivity and validate their personal identity and create safer relationship dynamics built on trust.

    READ MORE: Shedding Light on Autism and Why It’s An Invisible Disability

  2. “But you seem so normal!”

    Calling autistic people “normal” or implying non-autistic people are “not normal” reinforces the deeply ableist notion that there is only one correct way for human brains to be wired and human beings to think, behave, communicate and exist in the world.

    Such terms cast neurodiverse conditions as something deviant to be shunned or eliminated rather than natural, neutral variations in the human genome and larger diversity spectrum. Whenever you describe autistic traits negatively as abnormal, you perpetuate stigma, othering and marginalization – often unintentionally. But the impact of insensitivity remains.

    A more inclusive mindset embraces all mental functioning styles as equal, valid and worthy of respect rather than privileging some as superior to others. Identify and challenge assumptions that certain ways of being – how one focuses attention, processes input, communicates, relates to others or stimulates focus – are inherently right or wrong.

    Don’t say word choices like normal. After all, many neurodivergents don’t want to think, act, and “be” like everyone else. All individuals are different and special, and promoting this value of neurodiversity cultivates safer, more welcoming spaces for those with neurological differences.

    READ MORE: What Are 25 Common Traits of Autism Spectrum Disorder?

  3. “Are you a savant?”

    While estimated rates vary widely, some research indicates 10% or fewer of individuals with ASD demonstrate “savant” or extremely specialized skills like near-photographic memory, mathematical wizardry, brilliant music abilities or uncannily accurate calendars.

    Since 90% or more people on the spectrum have more “average” intellectual functioning without such rare stand-out aptitudes, assuming anyone you meet with an ASD diagnosis must be an unusual genius makes for unreliable guesses at best. Get to know people as the individuals they are instead of relying on glib group generalizations and stereotypes.

    Make room for their actual virtues to emerge rather than pigeon-holing them into fantastical tropes like human supercomputer or mentally enhanced change agent. 

    READ MORE: Why Autism Often Unveils the Rare Savant’s Syndrome Connection

  4. “You must be really good with computers/machines.

    As with assumptions around savant talents, the notion that anyone on the autism spectrum naturally excels in STEM skills or technological talent underestimates the diversity of strengths, passions and competencies individuals possess regardless of a particular mental health condition. While detail-oriented focus and persistence around favored interests occur frequently along the continuum, not everyone fits into familiar boxes or profiles.

    Avoid reflecting back the same stale stereotypes that imply an insensitive meaning and be more open and curious about discovering each person’s distinct set of capabilities.

  5. “But you make such good eye contact!”

    Don't say word choices that are accusatory or judgmental.For some people with autism, maintaining steady eye contact takes tremendous physical, mental and emotional effort while feeling intensely unnatural. The inherent challenge stems from differences in social-emotional brain circuitry that make it difficult to simultaneously process nonverbal input through eyes while keeping track of the overall conversation.

    Don’t assume all people identifying as autistic must display marked difficulties with eye contact at all times. 

    READ MORE:  Eye Contact Avoidance – 8 Best Ways to See Eye to Eye

    This comment overlooks important individual variability along the spectrum. Instead of making assumptions about eye contact, respect natural differences in communication styles by following the person’s lead rather than imposing rigid expectations around norms.

    Seek first to understand through asking thoughtful questions rather demand conformity.

  6. “I know how to make you better at _____.”

    No one appreciates unsolicited advice – especially when said guidance implies something is inherently lacking or deficient about core aspects of their personality and selfhood. Telling people with autism you know better ways to “fix” their differences risks insensitivity of amplifying painful experiences of not fitting in or living up to norms they may have endured for years.

    It invalidates the reality that modifying key traits like restricted interests, repetitiveness, sensory sensitivities or communication challenges might prove extremely difficult if not impossible. 

    While you may suggest tools, strategies or options freely available, be very cautious around language that morally evaluates different ways of thinking, behaving or interacting as strictly right versus wrong, broken versus working properly, in need of repair rather than operating as designed.

    Don’t say word choices like “making you better” at all. Wherever possible, emphasize accepting and even celebrating people as they are, not how unlike they appear relative to arbitrary expectations. 

  7. “You just need to try harder to make friends.”

    Relating on a truly personal level involves intuitively reading social cues and norms most non-autistic people absorb early on while autistic children often miss picking up these subtle rules. Without formal training or supports around social reasoning and interaction, intentionally “trying harder” rarely yields hoped-for results. Such well-meaning encouragement can unintentionally worsen feelings of failure and not belonging. 

    Respond instead with compassion for the everyday difficulties those on the spectrum face in navigating nebulous social expectations. Don’t assume they lack motivation or effort.

    Offer to help brainstorm specific small talk scripts and questions to keep the conversation going, coach appropriate pragmatics like volume or proximity, introduce games for practicing give-and-take banter, etc. tangible steps respectful of needs.   

    READ MORE: Breaking Down Barriers That Challenge Autism and Friendships

  8. “You can do anything you set your mind to!”

    People commonly heap this praise on young people with autism in hopes a can-do spirit will help them overcome future barriers. But generic “you go!” messages imply that any obstacles blocking success rest solely on personal determination rather than structural realities like discrimination, sensory overload or needing workplace accommodations.

    While encouragement empowers, recognize that autism fundamentally shapes how a person perceives, communicates and regulates in ways that directly impact prospects regardless of talent or persistence. Don’t diminish real limitations by acting like sufficient grit can neutralize all hardship. Instead offer resources and recommend realistic pathways to reach aspirations and eliminate insensitive meaning. 

  9. “Everyone gets a bit overwhelmed sometimes.”

    For those living with sensory processing differences, feeling emotionally overwhelmed by chaotic sights, sounds, smells or other stimuli getting “too much” signals a frequent if not daily occurrence outside their control. Comparing degrees of feeling overwhelmed further trivializes real neurological differences between autistic and non-autistic functioning – it’s not just about having good or bad days. 

    Avoid equating your own periodic experiences of temporary stress with the intense overwhelm people on the spectrum battle regularly.

    Develop deeper empathy for those who lack innate ability to filter inputs most brains automatically process without disruption. Patiently provide extra order whenever possible rather than acting irritated if an autistic child needs to escape overstimulation through self-soothing behaviors you may not understand at first glance.

    READ MORE: Sensory Integration Dysfunction? A Sensory Diet Can Change Your Life

  10. “I wish my kid played quietly like you.”

    While said innocently, comments praising the perceived virtue of silence or solitude in autistic children imply these states stem from choice rather than profound communication challenges many young people with ASD wish they could overcome in order to participate socially. 

    Don’t assume all autistic kids prefer keeping to themselves or actually enjoy quiet isolation. Perceive behaviors through lens of underlying hardship instead. Sensitive topics like this can be managed by encouraging social interaction at the child’s pace by asking questions to keep the conversation going, offering fidgets to ease anxiety, suggesting low-key play dates, and not punishing effort. 

  11. “Have you tried ______ diet/supplement?”

    Unless you happen to be the prescribing health provider, it’s best not to push unproven diets, probiotics, vitamins, minerals or other ingestibles as ASD quick fixes or cure-alls. Such obsession over biomedical miracle cures mainly benefits those profiting off desperation.

    In reality, there is limited evidence that supports the notion that restricting gluten, casein or other food groups “treats” neurological differences, although studies continue to examine possible benefits.

    Peddling false hope through restrictive regimes or costly supplements often severely limits quality life while failing to noticeably improve social capacities or self-sufficiency. Rather than chasing an elusive normal, redirect efforts toward self-acceptance and making accommodations to support strong areas. Ask thoughtful questions to better assist the person based on their preferences. 

  12. “My nephew has autism too so I understand.”

    Innocent words can carry an insensitive meaning, so always think before you speak.Meeting someone else touched by an ASD diagnosis helps build bare familiarity with key challenges. But even family members struggle recognizing that autism’s impacts on lifestyle, learning, sensory regulation and relationships prove wildly variable between any two people on the spectrum. Whether as close as twin siblings or parent and child, no two autistic individuals share exactly equivalent strengths and limitations. 

    While connecting through a common condition can forge an initial bond, avoid assumptions that you “get” what life looks like for those sitting right beside you. Well-meaning as your attempts at empathizing might be, each person journeys on their own unique path requiring personalized supports. Make space for them to share their distinct stories without inserting your relative’s experiences to fill gaps. Ask thoughtful questions based on respect and interest and not insensitivity to guide you. 

  13. “Everyone has something – you just can’t let autism hold you back!”

    Framing autism as merely one hardship amongst life’s many challenges makes light of a pervasive and deeply personal neurological difference shaping someone’s entire perception of and interaction with the world. For those profoundly impacted, autism does not represent some minor setback one can simply shake off through extra moxie on the way to the finish line. It filters how they receive, process, translate and respond to virtually all situations.

    While external encouragement seems supportive, implicitly connecting autism to individual failure can undermine fragile self-worth for those who genuinely need tangible help navigating tasks or stepping through doorways inviting them to participate as authentically as possible.

    Don’t say word phrases suggesting everyone has problems and fixing them is easy. Rather than loosely delivered you-can-do-it slogans, if asked, offer specific ideas for making activities more sensory friendly, coaching social skills, using visual supports, building positive peer networks or securing accommodations. 

  14. “God gives special kids like you to special parents.”

    Even when voiced as a compliment, this phrase subtly frames disability as a doomed deficiency randomly assigned rather than a natural manifestation of human diversity. It imposes undue pressure on parents expected to “handle” raising a challenging child. Cultural narratives lionizing parents for enduring tragedy impose huge emotional burdens.

    Rather than signaling autism inherently overburdens families, recognize that sensitive topics like societal barriers and judgment most disable those with different ways of thinking. When people respectfully include and involve autistic kids while adequately supporting needs, families thrive more fully.

    See those with ASD as diversity agents expanding humanity’s possibilities rather than crosses requiring Saint levels of patience.  

  15. “I don’t think you really have autism.”

    Attempting to negate or disqualify someone else’s personal diagnosis demonstrates ignorance about the wide variability that marks the broad autism spectrum encompassing those with and without intellectual impairments. It arrogantly attacks their credibility, self-knowledge and agency. Don’t say word statements like this. Ever.
    Respect when others disclose an autism identity without questioning “if they really seem like it.” Autism is a very broad spectrum, and sensitive topics saying they can’t truly have ASD gravely dismisses core aspects of their personhood.

    You don’t have the right to assault dignity in this way no matter your position. Instead take responsibility for educating yourself on the diverse manifestations of autism.

    READ MORE: Shedding Light on Autism and Why It’s An Invisible Disability

Now that I’ve talked about 15 things you shouldn’t say to someone with autism spectrum disorder, you might enjoy reading about how to talk respectfully to individuals on the spectrum by learning appropriate “autism speak.” I hope you find it helpful.

Additional Challenges Individuals with Autism Face

Learn more about other issues that autistics face:

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Connor McClure

I'm a young adult navigating life with autism. By sharing my experiences and views, I hope to create a better awareness, understanding, and compassion for those on the spectrum. Let's connect!
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