Fitting In: How Double Empathy Problem Relates to Being Liked
Being liked is just a natural human desire, but like with all things, when you take it too far, it can become a problem.
This is true for all people, regardless if they’re neurotypical, ADHD, autistic, or even just an as extreme introvert.
However, fitting in and feeling accepted seems especially true for autistics because we already have a tough time with social connections, so adding what sometimes seems to be a desperate act for finding your people sometimes leads to being exploited by others.
When being liked by others and fitting in something you immensely crave, you’ll sometimes allow them to push boundaries (or your “buttons”), make you do things or do things to you that you’re uncomfortable. So for the sake of self-love and your own self-respect, you have to put your foot down and stand up for yourself.
Maybe this will lead to you feeling ostracized or even having others actively dislike you at times, but finding yourself with “fake friends” or ones who don’t recognize your value aren’t ones you want to be around anyway. Still, the feeling of rejection or being alone can be harsh as well.
While we may all at times say at times that the social connections with others isn’t important, in the complex landscape of human connection, few experiences are as universally sought after as being liked by others. This fundamental desire of finding your people and fitting in with a person or group transcends neurological differences.
However, the journey toward social acceptance can almost seem like an action-packed video game filled with hazards and traps. That’s because socializing often involves navigating a terrain filled with unspoken rules, contradictory messages, and the constant tension between authenticity and adaptation. And there’s no rulebook. Yikes!
The Universal Need for Connection
Human beings are inherently social creatures. Regardless of neurotype, the desire for connection and acceptance is woven into the fabric of our existence. This need serves not only emotional fulfillment but also practical survival—historically, social rejection could mean the difference between life and death in tribal societies.
Even in our modern world, social connections remain fundamental to mental health, career advancement, and overall quality of life.
For autistic individuals, this basic human need remains equally strong. The misconception that autistic people don’t desire social connection has been thoroughly debunked by autistic voices and research alike. What differs is not the presence of this desire, but the experience of pursuing it.
The Social Complexity Paradox of Fitting In
Autistic individuals often find themselves caught in a paradoxical situation: they may need to work significantly harder than their neurotypical peers at social interaction while simultaneously receiving the well-intentioned but often contradictory advice to “just be yourself.”
This creates a genuine conundrum—the very behaviors, communication styles, and expressions that come naturally may be the same ones that create social distance or misunderstanding.
This paradox reveals itself in countless everyday situations:
- An autistic person’s direct communication style might be perceived as rude or insensitive
- Their intense focus on specific topics may be labeled as self-centered or boring
- Natural movements like stimming might draw unwanted attention or judgment
- Difficulty with eye contact might be misinterpreted as dishonesty or disinterest
- Sensory overwhelm in social settings could be mistaken for antisocial behavior
Each of these misalignments between autistic expression and neurotypical expectations creates friction in the pursuit of being liked. The result is often a taxing process of constant self-monitoring and adjustment.
The Masking Phenomenon
In response to these social challenges, many autistic individuals develop sophisticated masking techniques—consciously modifying behavior, speech patterns, body language, and even interests to appear more neurotypical. This process, also called camouflaging, serves as a social survival strategy.
Masking can involve:
- Rehearsing conversations and social scripts in advance
- Consciously managing facial expressions and body language
- Suppressing natural movements or stims
- Carefully regulating topics of conversation
- Mimicking the social behaviors of neurotypical peers
While masking can facilitate social acceptance in the short term, research increasingly highlights its significant costs. The constant vigilance required to maintain these masks leads to exhaustion, burnout, and increased anxiety.
Many autistic adults report that years of intensive masking contributed to identity confusion, depression, and a profound sense of being unknown by others.
LEARN MORE: Autism Masking & Code Switching – How to Redefine Acceptance
Dr. Damian Milton’s “double empathy problem” theory offers important context here, suggesting that the social challenges in autism aren’t one-sided but reflect a mutual difficulty in understanding between different neurotypes.
This perspective shifts the responsibility for connection from being solely on autistic individuals to adapt to being a shared endeavor of meeting halfway.
More simply put, the double empathy problem suggests connections between individuals with very different backgrounds and experiences can often be difficult because they will struggle to empathize with one another.
When it comes to autism, the double empathy problem can be magnified because neurotypical people often incorrectly interpret autistic individual’s emotions and communications styles.
Many compare it to a form of pathologizing, which involves categorizing traits, behaviors, or characteristic.
READ MORE: 3 Reasons Why Pathologizing Crushes Autism Acceptance and Inclusion
The Quality vs. Quantity Equation in Finding Your People
What many autistic individuals discover through lived experience is that the most meaningful relationships form not through perfect social performance, but through finding people who appreciate their authentic communication style and perspective. These connections, while potentially fewer in number, tend to be deeper and more sustaining.
This realization can be liberating. The pursuit shifts from trying to be liked by everyone to seeking specific communities and individuals where genuine communication and understanding can flourish. This might include other neurodivergent people, individuals with shared special interests, or neurotypical people who value directness and authenticity.
The quality-over-quantity approach aligns with research on friendship satisfaction across different populations. Studies suggest that having even one or two close, understanding relationships can provide greater well-being benefits than numerous superficial social connections.
The Evolution of Self-Perception
Confusion: Many autistic people, especially before diagnosis, experience profound confusion about why social interactions seem more difficult for them. Without understanding their neurological differences, they may internalize repeated social difficulties as personal failures.
Compensation: Upon recognizing social differences (whether they understand them as autism or not), many individuals develop compensatory strategies. This stage often involves intensive masking and attempts to “solve” social interaction through analytical approaches rather than intuition.
Burnout: The unsustainable nature of constant masking frequently leads to periods of burnout, where the emotional and cognitive resources required for maintaining these strategies become depleted. These episodes can be profound and debilitating.
Recalibration: Following burnout, many autistic individuals begin to recalibrate their approach to social connection. This often involves more selective socialization, greater permission for authenticity, and a more balanced view of which adaptations are worthwhile versus overly costly.
Integrated Authenticity: In this more mature stage, many autistic adults develop a nuanced approach that honors their authentic self while making conscious choices about when and how to adapt to specific social contexts. Rather than wholesale masking, they may employ targeted strategies for specific situations while allowing themselves to be fully authentic in supportive environments.
The Role of Disclosure and Education
The question of disclosure—whether, when, and how to share one’s autism diagnosis with others—plays a significant role in the pursuit of being liked. This decision involves carefully weighing potential benefits against risks.
Disclosure can create opportunities for:
- Explaining communication differences
- Requesting specific accommodations
- Finding other autistic or neurodivergent individuals
- Reducing the pressure to mask continuously
- Educating others about neurodiversity
However, disclosure also carries potential risks:
- Triggering stereotypes or misconceptions
- Being subjected to infantilization or exclusion
- Facing discrimination in employment or social contexts
- Having all behavior viewed through the lens of autism
Many autistic individuals develop nuanced approaches to disclosure, sharing their diagnosis selectively with those most likely to respond with understanding and support. Others engage in broader advocacy and education efforts, working to create more autism-accepting environments.
Finding Your People: Communities and Connection
A recurring theme in autistic adults’ experiences is the transformative power of finding “their people”—communities where they can be understood and valued for who they are. These connections often emerge in:
- Autism and neurodiversity communities, both online and in-person
- Special interest groups where deep knowledge and passion are celebrated
- Creative fields where unique perspectives are valued
- Academic or professional environments that prize analytical thinking
- Alternative social scenes that embrace diverse forms of expression
Within these communities, the metrics for being “liked” often shift significantly. Direct communication might be appreciated rather than penalized. Deep dives into specific topics may be welcomed rather than considered tedious. Stimming or other sensory management techniques might go unnoticed or be actively normalized.
The internet has dramatically expanded access to these communities, allowing autistic individuals to connect across geographic boundaries. Many report finding their first true sense of belonging through online forums, social media groups, or special interest communities.
Redefining Success in Social Connection
Perhaps the most profound shift in the pursuit of being liked comes with redefining what social success means on one’s own terms. This often involves:
- Recognizing that being universally liked is neither possible nor necessary
- Valuing depth over breadth in relationships
- Appreciating the unique strengths that come with autistic ways of connecting
- Understanding that rejection sometimes reflects incompatibility rather than personal failure
- Developing confidence in sharing authentic interests and communication styles
This redefinition allows for a more sustainable and fulfilling approach to social connection—one that honors neurodivergent experiences rather than constantly measuring against neurotypical standards.
Practical Approaches for Autistic Individuals
Self-Knowledge as Foundation: Developing a clear understanding of your own social preferences, strengths, challenges, and boundaries creates a solid foundation. This includes recognizing where genuine difficulties lie versus areas where the challenge comes primarily from external expectations.
Strategic Energy Management: Given the higher cognitive and emotional demands of social interaction, strategic management of social energy becomes essential. This might involve scheduling recovery time after social events, being selective about which gatherings to attend, or developing clear exit strategies when overwhelm approaches.
Identifying Low-Mask Environments: Actively seeking and cultivating relationships and environments where masking can be minimized allows for more sustainable connection. This might begin with just one or two trusted individuals with whom you can be more fully yourself.
Developing Authentic Social Skills: Rather than focusing exclusively on mimicking neurotypical social patterns, developing social skills that work with your natural communication style can be more effective. This might include finding direct but kind ways to communicate needs, learning how to redirect conversations toward mutual interests, or developing strategies for managing sensory challenges in social settings.
Embracing Passionate Interests as Social Bridges
Special interests, rather than being hidden, can serve as powerful bridges to meaningful connection when shared with others who appreciate them. Finding communities organized around these interests offers natural conversational content and a context where focused enthusiasm is welcomed.
Creating More Inclusive Social Environments
- Education about different communication styles and sensory needs
- Normalizing direct requests for clarification or accommodation
- Providing multiple channels for participation (written, spoken, synchronous, asynchronous)
- Challenging the assumption that neurotypical social styles are inherently superior
- Recognizing and addressing sensory barriers in social environments
When communities and institutions adopt these approaches, they create spaces where autistic individuals can be both authentic and accepted.
This journey toward authentic connection while honoring neurodivergent experiences represents not just a personal path for autistic individuals like me, but an opportunity for broader social evolution—one that expands our collective understanding of the diverse ways humans can successfully connect, communicate, and care for one another.
The double empathy problem commonly leads to the question of whether you should disclose your autism to others.
If you enjoyed learning about this common challenges for those on the spectrum, then you might enjoy reading more FAQs related to autism.
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