Being Real Without Offending Others is Autistic Challenge

Many people on the autism spectrum struggle with understanding social norms around directness and filters, which often results in offending others. We tend to be very literal and fact-focused, which can come across as blunt or insensitive at times. Growing up, I found myself frequently being perceived as rude or inappropriate, simply because I was being real with no sugar coating in situations where nuance and discretion were expected.

For example, it felt totally natural to me to point out if someone smelled bad or their clothes looked sloppy. Or to correct people’s factual errors on topics I considered myself somewhat of an expert on as soon as they were made. In my autistic mind, I was simply sharing accurate information that could help them improve and in no way was I trying to be offending. But I quickly learned that most people find these kinds of comments hurtful and off-putting when stated so directly.

The reality is that neurotypical people often use vagueness, white lies, and discretion to smooth over social situations in ways that just don’t come naturally to many of us on the spectrum. Masking our autism by implementing filters and indirectness can feel dishonest and exhausting. But being radically blunt all the time tends to alienate people, which serves to be offending to many and often burns bridges in terms of relationships.

So what’s the solution? It’s all about striking a balance and using being real selectively and carefully. I’ve had to work hard at noticing contexts where being overly blunt will likely cause more harm than good. When the stakes are high in personal or professional relationships, it’s often wise to proceed with more nuance and discretion.

Learning the Hard Way

I can vividly remember one excruciating moment from my teenage years that exemplifies how my bluntness could get me into hot water. I was at a family party and a family member asked me directly if I liked her new piercing. Being honest to a fault, I told her. “No, it looks kind of ridiculous actually.”

You can imagine how that went over! She was absolutely mortified and my parents had to do major damage control about my innocent offending ways. I genuinely didn’t understand why she had asked if she didn’t want an honest response. It took me years to realize that questions like that are often just polite conversation openers, not actual requests for critique, and are often perceived as rudeness.

Over time I recognized that while honesty is generally a good policy, there are many situations where directness and being real can unnecessarily hurt feelings and damage relationships. That’s the nuance I had been missing. Intentionally telling lies is unethical, but selectively withholding or softening blunt truths isn’t inherently dishonest – it’s a compassionate social skill.

Developing Discretion Tools

So how can we autistic folks learn to “sauce it and toss it,” as they say – delivering hard truths with more care and nuance when needed? For me, it’s been about developing some phrases and judgment calls to apply in different situations. 

For example, if a co-worker has food stains on their shirt, it’s often better to discreetly mention it just to them privately rather than calling it out in front of everyone. I’ve learned to say something like “Hey, just a heads up, you’ve got something on your shirt in case you want to grab a napkin.”

If they misspeak or share inaccurate information, I try to be selective about what I correct. I only pipe up about higher-stakes errors that really matter while letting smaller ones go. And I’ve gotten better at using softer language like “I’m not sure if this is the case, but I had heard that…” rather than blunt contradiction and seeming rudeness and risk offending them.

I’ve also found it helpful to pause and consider whether the person is likely to be receptive before giving harsh feedback. If I can tell they’re already in a bad mood or sensitive state, it’s often better to hold off being real until another time.

Constantly having to absorb difficult truths from me would likely just breed resentment. My sister has repeatedly told me through the years that some of my comments to her really irritate her, while, to my defense, she asked what I thought. She said I was behaving badly.

As the saying goes, “You can be honest and straightforward, as long as you are courteous with it.” It’s a curious expectation but I’m working more on this every day.

The Benefits of Being Authentic

That said, there’s also value in autistic directness that shouldn’t be overlooked. In situations with people who know me well or when high stakes aren’t involved, I tend to operate with more straightforward authenticity. I think that those I’m closest with have learned not to take offense at my directness or perceived rudeness and may even appreciate and expect my honest perspective (mostly).

Having a lack of filter and “realness” can definitely go either way. In social situations, my comments on topics being discussed can be off-putting or even polarizing. My parents continuously stressed to me that just because a conversation topic is about something I care passionately about, I shouldn’t always feel the need to interject my beliefs.

They aren’t trying to quiet me, but tell me that there is a time and place for everything, and my telling people what I believe to be absolutely true is not something that is always agreed to. Fair enough.

They’ve always told me that certain topics probably should be avoided to risk offending individuals when in large group settings or with unfamiliar groups of people: politics, money (like how much a person makes), and religion. You may not agree, but again, I do think there is a time and place for everything.

In the right contexts, my bluntness and rigidity are absolute strengths. I’m able to cut through social niceties and get to the heart of matters quickly. My honest questioning and commentary of being real have helped others realize hard truths about themselves they were avoiding.

Also, my lack of game-playing and guardedness that often comes with directness can forge very strong bonds and trust over time. After all, who doesn’t want a friend who will (discretely) tell them “No, that outfit doesn’t look good” before they leave the house?

At work, directness serves me and other autistics well in many scenarios. My bosses and coworkers know I will provide unfiltered feedback that cuts through politicking and flattery. And in an analytical role, I’m able to point out flaws and contradictions without fear of ruffling feathers.  Having teammates with authentic voices can be an asset for any organization committed to diversity and excellence over fragility.

From Offending Criticism to Constructive Feedback

While autistic directness can be especially challenging, learning how to pivot it to construction criticism can be life-changing from a social perspective.  

For example, if someone shows me a sample of their creative writing, my instinct is to immediately list out all the ways it could be improved – pointing out plot holes, character inconsistencies, areas that feel cliche or unoriginal, and so on. In my mind, I’m just trying to be helpful rather than being potentially offending by sharing an honest critique.

But imagine how much better it would land if I started with some positivity: “I enjoyed how vividly you described the main character’s emotional struggle. The hospital scene was particularly powerful and resonated with me.” Then I could move into: “A couple of things that might make the story even stronger…” See how that softens the blow while still allowing me to share my authentic feedback?

This has been a huge learning process for me.

By mastering a “criticism sandwich” approach – positive reinforcement and reassurance on both sides of any constructive feedback – we can share our honest perspectives without unintentionally shaming or demotivating others. Starting with “I appreciate how hard you’re working on this and I’m proud of your effort” goes a long way toward making straightforward comments more palatable.

Similarly, using “I” statements and owning our directness can soften the blow: “I’m having a hard time understanding your thinking here” rather than “You’re not making any sense.” And avoiding absolutes like “always” and “never” is wise -“This approach doesn’t seem to be working well” rather than “You always do everything wrong!”

Being Real and the Art of Picking Battles

Another key part of wielding directness with care is being cautious in what situations you choose to speak hard truths. Constantly bombarding people with blunt criticisms is a surefire path to becoming associated with rudeness, which may lead to ostracism. As the saying goes, “Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”

In any given scenario, it’s wise to ask ourselves: Does correcting this inaccuracy/flaw truly matter in a significant way? Is speaking up about it likely to have a meaningful positive impact? Or would it just be nitpicking that ultimately doesn’t change much? Often, wisdom lies in choosing your battles and letting the small stuff go.

I’ve had to develop this discretion over many years. I used to obsessively correct every tiny error in reports, presentations, blogs, you name it. I was especially hard on myself.

I’ve since learned that it’s often better to keep the bigger picture in mind and not waste energy on the nitpicky gnat-bites. Does this typo or slight wording issue truly undermine the core message being conveyed? Is it worth potentially demoralizing another person over? If not, then take a breath and let it go. Focus your directness on the substantive areas that will create high-leverage improvement.

The Power of Authentic Presence vs. Rudeness

Of course, not all forms of autistic directness come in the form of harsh criticism. Sometimes it’s simply us showing up authentically with our honest reactions and perspectives, no matter how unconventional or against the grain.

Growing up, I was often the kid in class who would directly question something the teacher said if it didn’t make sense to me or challenge an established assumption everyone else seemed to be going along with. This could be disruptive and annoying, but (in my mind, at least) it also kept people on their toes and sometimes exposed limitations in ways of thinking that needed to be revisited.

As an adult, my ability to show up with candor and courage irrespective of social pressures has brought a certain level of value. Whether I’m the lone voice of dissent in a meeting pushing back on a flawed strategy that everybody else is defaulting to groupthink on, or questioning an accepted theory in my field by poking holes in the reasoning, this is where radical authenticity can really shine.

Seeing things with a fresh set of eyes unencumbered by conformity biases, calling out the elephant in the room that others are dancing around, and bringing an unapologetic childlike curiosity can be incredibly powerful. This is where autistic people’s natural bluntness and inclination for “telling it like it is and being real” become immensely useful and societally important.

Not filtering our emotional reactions at times can open up deeper interpersonal connections. I’ll never forget seeing someone’s face light up with joy and surprise when, upon seeing her new haircut, I blurted out with no filter “Wow, that looks so great on you! You look beautiful!”

As she later told me, in a world of constant politeness and empty compliments, something about my uninhibited candor and raw reaction made the kind words feel so much more impactful and meaningful. She could feel the authenticity behind it in a way that transcended typical conversational niceties. I’m super happy I didn’t make comments that were offending to her.

Embracing Our Honesty Superpower and Being Real

The bottom line is that autistic directness and honesty have immense value – both personally for cultivating trust and intimacy with those close to us, and socially for cutting through politics and denial in the spirit of progress and truth-telling. The key is being sensible and intentional about when and how we wield our honesty superpower.

By maintaining compassion and developing discretion tools like diplomacy and criticism sandwiches, we can share our unbridled perspectives powerfully without bruising egos or burning bridges. There’s a wise balance to be struck between indiscriminate bluntness and dishonest deception.

With practice and self-awareness, autistics can bring immense value by:

• Giving totally candid and straightforward feedback and critique
• Questioning flawed assumptions and calling out elephants in the room
• Not automatically defaulting to pleasantries and instead reacting with raw, heartfelt authenticity (uplifting or critical)
• Holding ourselves and others to higher standards of truth and pushing past superficial politeness when it’s unproductive

The world sorely needs more truth-tellers who can cut through niceties and denial with clear eyes and pure intentions. But it’s on us to channel our natural tendencies for rudeness or bluntness with wisdom, care, and artfulness to be maximally effective. If embraced with skill and nuance, autistic honesty is a true superpower.

Finding the Right Balance Between Rudeness and Appropriateness

At the end of the day, a combination approach tends to serve best. With self-awareness and effort, autistic people can find a good balance between direct truth-telling and more nuanced social norms. It’s about being discerning with our directness – recognizing which situations call for soft voices and filters versus which ones can handle or even require our unbridled honesty.

And it’s about developing greater emotional intelligence along the way. As we get better at reading cues about when harsh truths may land poorly, take breaks between truth bombs, and wield our authentic voices with care and wisdom, the backlash decreases. Developing skills like tact, discretion, and diplomacy can feel unnatural, but pays huge dividends in maintaining healthy relationships and social capital.

I’m working really hard to share my unique, autistic truth-telling powerfully without having to constantly put my foot in our mouth of risk offending people, so to speak. It comes with my desire to become more social and to extend out of my comfort zone.

As an adult, I’ve learned that being blunt isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s best used in certain scenarios and controlled in others; like everything else in life, self-control is a virtue( you can learn more about this from stoicism), you have to know when to let yourself be blunt and when to hold yourself back. If you can do this you can master human relationships more easily and remember you just need some discipline and self-control.

Other Common Autistic Behaviors

There are many behaviors associated with having autism. Keep in mind that everyone presents differently, which is why it is caused a spectrum disorder. However, there are common autism behaviors. Learn more about them. 

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